The Kink and Fetish of Chris Part 2
Can you tell me more about this shame?
Every day in my late adolescent and early adulthood years, I would strive towards a way of living that seemed “right”, trying to live up to the perfect picture of a young gay man in his 20’s (as it was then). The right looks, the right job, the right pay, the right boyfriend, the right friends, the right social circle, the right address, the right amount of traveling and so on and so forth. It sounds extreme, and to be fair, it was. It was also exhausting. Now, writing it down makes it very real, but it wasn’t then. It was an automated need born out of the rise of persona’s and images of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, you name it. It’s everywhere. Some people aren’t affected by it, but I sure was.
When I started discovering my kink sides, my idea of being part of a kink group just didn’t add up. I remember examples of people whispering “those extreme gays” or “the weird gays”, referring specifically to guys that have fetishes or were into fisting. Over time I had to accept that because I discovered that I also was into the same things, including other kinks as well. Because of the whispering, I was extremely ashamed of my newly discovered interests and kinks. At the time, I was not open enough to talk about it to anyone, so there was no social environment and support to be found. Today, because I know where to look, I do know it exists — but it’s still not as openly recognized in Copenhagen like it is in Amsterdam, Berlin or London.
So there I was, feeling like one of those “weird, extreme gays”, and even with my closest friends, I felt there was a big part of me that I couldn’t be open about. That is when I started to feel ashamed, and unhappy, in Copenhagen.
When I came to Amsterdam, all of this changed. I was welcomed by a scene that helped me to explore and understand that who I am, is perfectly fine. They helped me open my mind to explore without shame whomever I liked to be, and like whatever I liked, without compromising me as a person. I began to achieve what I wanted in life. I got hooked on that liberation and I’ve kept exploring ever since.
An important note about this whole ordeal is that over the years I’ve learned that all the blame that I have put on my environment in Copenhagen was mostly founded in the constructs I had in my head about people’s image of me. As I slowly learned to let go of that, and be more true to myself, I learned that the biggest obstacle I’ve ever had to overcome to obtain this happiness was myself. It’s a cliché. But it is for a reason.
Chris, thank you so much for sitting down and catching up with me it has been a pleasure. If you want to keep up with Chris you can follow him on Instagram @amsterdamneddane .